If bands had straplines …

The advertising of music is a very different proposition to pharma. Listening to Justin Bieber may provoke side effects that include nausea and depression, but music delivers its melodious message across an entirely different medium; with no ABPI concerns to abide by, and no minimum regulatory standards to be concerned with (and at the risk of sounding like your Dad – don’t we just know it), marketing music can be simple as slapping a pretty gurning mug over a televised campaign and playing some choice aural snippets to a receptive target audience. Take that gift of audio away, however, and the harmonious little urchins are in the same boat as the rest of us. How would the marketing maestros behind popular beat combos sell their sounds via the medium of straplines – especially if honesty was the best policy?

JAMES BLUNT

James Blunt

20 million albums sold. 20 million people deny owning a copy.

COLDPLAY

Coldplay
For when that infernal paint just refuses to dry.

NICKELBACK

Nickelback
Your friends know, and they are quietly judging you.

METALLICA

Metallica
Official Champions of Glastonbury Festival.

ONE DIRECTION

One Direction
Their life is better than yours, and they really don’t care what you think.

MUSE

Muse
Because who hasn’t listed to Radiohead and thought “this needs more opera”?

THE RAMONES

The Ramones

One album sold for every twelve T-shirts worn.

THE WANTED

The Wanted
Because One Direction tickets are so expensive!

BRITNEY SPEARS

Britney Spears
Auto-Tune’s MVP for 2014.

ABBA

ABBA

The one guest guaranteed to embarrass someone at a wedding.

McBUSTED

McBusted
With 2.3m Brits already unemployed, we didn’t need six more.

PRINCE

Prince
He’ll have changed his name by the time you read this.

OASIS

Oasis
Because The Beatles are gone, and they’re not coming back.

THE SMITHS

The Smiths

Listening to these guys? Heaven knows you’re miserable now.

ARCTIC MONKEYS

Arctic Monkeys
After eight pints of festival cider, nobody looks good on the dancefloor.

THE CARPENTERS

The Carpenters
It’s OK, you can pretend you’re only listening ironically.

THE BLACK METAL GENRE

Black Metal
The Ophthalmologists choice!

Greg Porter, PLBR Operations Manager

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